The Faeries' Ruin SPOOF
by Return Of Itsy
Summary: Who is this mysterious rogue Hanso? What does he know? Why is Jazan's eyeliner still sexy after all these years? And just WHO is responsible for the faeries turned to stone! I don't know, but here's a spoof.
1. Chapter 1

What's this? Can it _be_? A Faerieland plot? Has TNT finally answered our prayers?

YES, ladies and gentlemen, TNT has! Faerieland is now the last and final land to receive its very own plot! (Besides those useless mini-lands no one cares about. I'm looking at you, Kiko Lake)

Anyway! Without further ado…THAR'S A SPOOF NEEDS TYPIN'

**THE FAERIES' RUIN…chapter 1**

_Setting__: The Faerie Festival…or what _would_ have been, had the faeries not all been turned to _**stone**_. _

_*mutters bitterly about not being able to collect my free items* _

_Gazing upon the stone faeries is a shady-looking Ixi, a thief named Hanso…_

Hanso (looking at a frozen faerie wearing a necklace): This is terrible…the necklace turned to stone with the faerie. What a shame.

Necklace: F&$ off. No bling for yu.

Hanso: Well screw you too! I don't need you! There's plenty more loot to be had! In fact…*spies a faerie's purse on the ground* JACKPOT.

(Hanso begins to dig through the purse for valuables, when he hears a voice behind him)

Mysterious voice: We should nearly be there…

Hanso: Buh? *turns around*

(OH SHIT IT'S MUTHAF***IN' KING ALTADOR)

Hanso: Meep! *hides behind a faerie*

Altador (to his two accompanying guards): Yes, here we are. The festival is up ahead.

Hanso: What the hell…I'm hiding behind a FAERIE. I'm losing major man points for this…

Altador: It's just as I'd feared—the entire Faerie Festival, turned to stone.

Guard #1: *stares blankly* Um…you sure they aren't just freakishly realistic garden statues?

Altador: You're fired.

(A Kougra walks in behind Altador. Her name is Brynn.)

Brynn: King Altador? Your majesty, I'm called Brynn, and King Hagan sent me to investigate this strange occurrence.

Altador: Why didn't he send Roberta?

Brynn: I'm just as capable—

Altador: SHE'S the one that stopped the Darkest Faerie.

Brynn: Are you suggesting that I'm—

Altador: These are dark times. We need a _real_ hero.

Brynn: …

Altador: Just sayin'.

Brynn: *coughs* Right. Look, I'm offering my assistance anyway.

Altador: Well met, I guess. Props to Hagan. Props.

Hanso: *looks over the faerie's shoulder at Brynn* The hell is _she_ doing here?

Brynn: *examines the frozen form of Queen Fyora* Who could've done this? Fyora herself turned the Darkest Faerie to stone…who could be powerful enough to do the same to every faerie in Neopia?

Altador: Indeed. The magic appears to be similar, but the sheer magnitude of the spell is mind-boggling.

Brynn: Indeed, my mind is quite boggled.

Hanso: Lame!

Brynn: Who said that?

Hanso: *steps out from behind the faerie* Perhaps _I_ could be of assistance?

*multiple blades are held at his neck*

Hanso: Or not…it was just a suggestion. Jeez. :I

Brynn: Hanso? What are you doing here?

Hanso: What are _you_ doing here?

Brynn: Official order of King Hagan.

Hanso: Yeah? Well me too. So there. *sticks tongue out*

Altador: Boy, I will smack you so hard…

Hanso: Yeah whatever, old man. I'm too sexy for this shit. *hair toss*

Altador: Brynn, how do you know this rogue? He looks rather...unsavory.

Brynn: Our paths have crossed a few times before. Mostly during the time he spent in the Brightvale dungeons.

Hanso: And I would've gotten away with it, too…

(Another mysterious voice from out of nowhere joins the conversation)

Mysterious voice: I wouldn't trust him, if I were you.

(IT'S MUTHAF***IN' JAZAN. SWEET CHRIST ON A CRACKER HE'S SO BADASS ALKFHLFHGL)

Altador: JAZAN?

Jazan: That's _King_ Jazan, Altador.

Altador: Well that's _King_ Altador, Jazan.

Jazan: That's King Jazan, Altador!

Altador: That's King Altador, Jazan!

Jazan: That's King Altador, Jazan!

Altador: That's KING Jazan, and that's final!

Jazan: Thank you. :D

Altador: …aw, dammit.

Hanso: Awww, come on now, don't listen to him. Of course you can trust this face! I'll tell you everything I know about who's behind this…for a price.

Jazan: *grabs Hanso by his shirt and picks his bitch-ass up* Tell me, why should we trust the words of a scoundrel who would steal from helpless faeries fossilized by some treachery? How do I know it wasn't _you_ who wrought this foul magic upon them?

Hanso: Because I'm only a level 13 thief. I won't reach level 14 rogue until I gain another 300 experience points!

Jazan: …gimme that nerd shit one more time and this sexy eyeliner will be the last thing you ever see.

Hanso: Don't raze me, bro.

Jazan (to Brynn): I arrived an hour ago to find this twat stealing from the faeries. I was keeping an eye on him because I thought he might somehow be involved in this curse.

Brynn: *facepalm* Oh, Hanso, when will you ever learn?

Hanso: Hey, I'm obviously the anti-hero protagonist of this story that has to learn a valuable lesson. Get off my back, woman.

Altador (to Jazan): I hope to free the faeries from this curse. Was that your reason for coming here too, _King_ Jazan?

Jazan: Word.

Altador: You're welcome to join us, then. We need more hands on the side of good in these _dark_ times.

Jazan: Was that subtle hinting that the darkest faerie is back and behind all this?

Altador: …no…

Brynn: I'm sure I'm going to regret this, but maybe we should listen to what Hanso has to say. He's our only lead, after all.

Hanso: *cheesy grin* :D

Altador: *narrows his eyes* I've trusted thieves before (shout-out to Kelland, w00t w00t! [go look at the TCG cards from the Darkest Faerie expansion if you don't know :I]) so I'm willing to hear this story. But have care with your words, young Ixi. I'll be watching you very closely.

Hanso: Hey, hands off the goods, bro. This jacket is _real_ leather. *pops collar* Now, as for the matter of my fees. I charge five Neopoints a word, 10 for anything with more than two syllables…

*more swords are held to his neck*

Hanso: All right! All right…for _you_ lovely people, it's eight.

Brynn: HANSO.

Hanso: Ffff, fine, be a bitch about it. I'll tell what I know, free of charge. So there I was, walking through Faerieland, on the outskirts of the city…

Brynn: Yeah? And?

Hanso: And what? That's where my speech bubble ends. Gotta wait until chapter two for the rest, baby. ;D

Brynn: Call me that again and I'll rearrange your face!

Hanso: I like 'em feisty.

Brynn: I'll throw you back in those dungeons in a heartbeat.

Hanso: I knew you liked me chained up. ;D

*Brynn and Hanso continue on with their bickering*

Altador: *sigh* I _knew_ Hagan should have sent Roberta…

**Chapter 1, end**


	2. Chapter 2

Hey guys! I really appreciate all the feedback I got on chapter one! I love hearing what you guys think.

But anyway, without further ado…

**THE FAERIES' RUIN…chapter 2**

_Setting__: Faerie Festival still, but Hanso is recounting the tale of what he saw. _

Hanso: All right, so here's what went down, yo…

_I was walking along and happened to be near the Faerie Festival…_

Altador: Bored already.

Hanso: -_-

Altador: Just sayin'

Hanso: CONTINUING…

_I was walking along and happened to be near the Faerie Festival…_

Brynn: You mean you were going to steal from the faeries at their Festival.

Hanso: Would anyone _else_ like to interrupt?

Guard #1: …*raises hand*

Guard #2: *smacks his hand down*

Hanso: As I was saying…

Brynn: You were on your way to steal from the faeries.

Hanso: Right. I was on my way to steal from the—hey, wait a second!

Jazan: See? He admits it! Let's KICK HIS ASS!

Hanso: Meep! :c

Brynn: Jazan, please, let him finish before you beat him to a pulp for his thievery.

Hanso: Brynn, please, give me some credit. A _real_ thief always cases the joint first. Now, do you want to know what happened or not?

Brynn: *rolls eyes* Please, do go on.

Hanso: With no more interruptions?

Brynn: I promise nothing.

Jazan: I don't. *cracks knuckles*

_I was walking along and happened to be near the Faerie Festival…tra la la la la…_

Brynn: You already covered that part.

Hanso: But I didn't get to add the "tra la la" part before! D:

Brynn: *rubs her temples and sighs* Hanso…I'm this close to taking my sword and sticking it—

_ANYWAY, I came upon Hubrid Nox, which seemed odd. What would he be doing in Faerieland, after all? He was holding something shiny and cackling to himself about 'freeing Neopia from the hold of those winged tyrants.'_

_Hubrid: HAHAHAHAHA!_

_I'd never seen such an evil-looking Chia. That nefarious mustache and perfectly coifed hair had me shaking in my boots! _

Jazan: He's like, three feet tall, you wuss. -_-;

Hanso: YOU WEREN'T THERE. THIS IS MY STORY. STAY OUT. *pouts*

Jazan: Well excuuuse me, princess.

_Then he started chanting, as if he were doing some kind of ritual!_

_Hubrid: Chant! Chanty chant-chant! Chantificus chantarum! Mwahahaha!_

_It was probably the gayest chant I'd ever heard._

Brynn: Well yeah, according to how _you_ tell the story.

Hanso: Brynn…shut up. Srsly. :|

_There was a blinding burst of light. When I woke up, he was gone, and all the faeries at the Festival had been petrified._

Jazan: Ha…Hanso was knocked out by a burst of light. What a girl.

Hanso: Hey, it was VERY blinding, okay? Don't judge…

Brynn: Are you done yet?

Hanso: Why yes! Any questions?

Guard #1: *raises hand* How did you know they were scared?

Guard #2: …*smacks him upside the head with his helmet* 'Petrified' means 'turned to stone,' you idiot!

Altador: Didn't I fire you back in chapter one?

Guard #1: Uuuuuuh…no…

Jazan: *crosses his arms like a sexy motherfucker* King Altador, what do you make of his story? In my opinion, it's all a pack of filthy lies, but perhaps you're a better judge of character than I am.

Altador: It seems unlikely that Nox could pull off a spell of this magnitude. Perhaps we should consult with Xandra…she's gone to Faerie City to investigate.

Brynn: Hanso has no reason to lie to us.

Hanso: *halo* 0:-)

Brynn: Right…he also _did_ say that Nox had a magical artifact of some kind.

Hanso: No, I didn't. You're assuming.

Brynn: Yes you did.

Hanso: Woman, go read my previous dialogue. Never did I mention a "magical artifact." That's rather _suspicious_ that you know he mad such an item, Brynn. RATHER SUSPICIOUS INDEED.

Brynn: …*shifty eyes* Don't change the subject, Hanso!

Hanso: Is that your GUILTY CONSCIENCE I see?

Altador: Children! Can we get back on topic please? Get your collective asses to the library, stat.

(Scene changes to the group walking through the city)

Jazan: My, Faerie City is quiet today. It would be almost soothing…ahem, if there wasn't villainy afoot, of course.

Hanso: Gee, Jazan, that wasn't a suspicious line at _all_.

Jazan: I'm too sexy to be guilty.

Brynn: If Nox could do this to the faeries, he could easily turn the rest of Neopia to stone.

Hanso: What good would that do him? Unless he's just _that_ socially awkward and is only comfortable talking to statues…

Hubrid: HEY, I HAVE FRIENDS! :( *runs off crying*

(Scene changes to the Faerieland library, where an elderly Ogrin and Speckled Xweetok, Xandra, are examining a petrified faerie.)

Ogrin: …of course, I didn't even notice they were stone until I happened to bump into one. I just thought none of them wanted to chat!

Xandra: You're partially right. No one wants to talk to old people anyway. They smell like death.

Ogrin: What are you trying to say?

Xandra: *shakes head* Nothing, Blindy.

Altador: Ah, there you are, Xandra. We have someone here who might have information about the faerie, er, problem, but we need your help.

Xandra: Yes, I'd be more than happy to.

Altador: *points to Hanso, who promptly turns around and begins to sneak away* You see, he saw an artifact that may be responsible for—

Xandra: STOP! THIEF!

Hanso: Oh, fudge balls. ): *apprehended by the guards*

Altador: The hell?

Xandra: That lying Ixi broke into my hut and stole some very valuable things from me. You shouldn't believe anything he tells you!

Jazan: Ha! See? I told you. Point one for Jazan.

Hanso: Er, I can explain?

Brynn: Yes, please. And make it quick. This armor is getting itchy…

Hanso: Okay, so I did NOT lie to you before about seeing Hubrid Nox near the Faerie Festival… I just didn't tell you the whole truth.

Brynn: Why not?

Hanso: YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH.

Brynn: Then maybe you should start. Now.

Hanso: *nods* Fair enough. So, I _may_ have broken into Xandra's place, and while I was there, it's _quite_ likely that I took a few things. It's what thieves do, after all.

Brynn: And then they get caught, kind of like you are right now.

Hanso: …don't rub it in. She tried to stop me, but naturally, a master thief like myself is far too agile to be caught.

Brynn: Kind of like now?

Hanso: You're a bitch.

**Chapter 2, end**


	3. Chapter 3

And on it goes…

**THE FAERIES' RUIN…chapter 3**

_Setting__: Hanso is recounting the tale of what occurred during his "visit" to Xandra's house._

Hanso: I had my hands full there for a while, but eventually I made it out of Xandra's house, no worse for wear.

Brynn: Wow, how did you manage that? :/

Hanso: Xandra's aim sucks.

Xandra: YOU DIRTY PIECE OF—

Hanso: _Since_ Xandra had seen me, I had to unload the goods in a hurry, so I had a colleague of mine spread it around that I had some magical artifacts for sale.

Xandra: _My_ magical artifacts!

Hanso: Hey, _you_ weren't doing anything useful with them. Yeah, so, the buyer wanted to meet in Faerieland, which seemed strange, but I don't ask questions—I just give my customers what they want.

Brynn: Why do I get the feeling that your customer was—

Hanso: HUBRID FRIKIN' NOX. He was only interested in one particular item, though. Afterwards I decided to tail him to see what he was up to.

Brynn: Oh, let me guess this next part. Chant chanty-chant-chant chantarum?

Hubrid: No, silly, it was chant chanty chant-chant chantificus chantarum! Mwahahaha!

Everyone: …

Hanso: Um, yeah…*cough*…so anyway, there was that huge flash of light. When I woke up, Nox was long gone.

Jazan: You fail at life.

Hanso: I'm not the one wearing _makeup_.

Jazan: It's GUYliner and women find it f*cking SEXY.

Hanso: Psh, I've already got my own little legion of fangirls.

Brynn: GUYS! Cut the crap. Hanso, you dumb oaf, how could you let yourself get tangled up with Nox?

Xandra: He's a criminal! Of _course_ he would consort with other unsavory characters. Are you forgetting that he *stole* from me?

Brynn: I trust him…sometimes against my own better judgment.

Hanso: Oh yeah? That's why you locked me up, huh? :|

Brynn: You know what I mean!

Xandra: Of course _you_ trust him.

Hanso: Yeah, she totally wants me.

Altador: I, too, am inclined to believe this Ixi's story.

Hanso: Because I'm a f*ckin' SAINT!

Altador: …yeah. We should focus on finding Nox and retrieving this artifact before he can cause more mayhem with it.

Hanso: BRILLIANT…where do we start? ._.

Altador: Xandra, do you remember what the artifact Hanso stole looks like?

Xandra: I don't know. He stole several items from me that day, so how am I supposed to know which one he sold to—

Hanso: It was this one! *holds up a poorly drawn picture of him holding the artifact with a butthurt Xandra in the background*

Xandra: I look _nothing_ like that!

Hanso: I beg to differ…lol butthurt.

(Scene changes to them walking through uber scary trees 'n stuff on the way to Nox's crib. Two guards are following closely behind Hanso.)

Trees: OOOOH we have mouths, we're so scaryyyyyy!

Gilly (from ToW): HEEYA—*shovel attack*

Hanso: Are these guards really necessary, sweetheart?

Brynn: At least I convinced them not to tie you up…

Hanso: Ah, so you like me tied up too, huh? Kinky.

Brynn: Hanso, shut your whore mouth. And don't call me 'sweetheart.'

Hanso: Sweet cheeks?

Brynn: Only if you want a face full of my foot.

Hanso: Baby cakes?

Brynn: Try it and see what happens.

Hanso: Brynny-bear?

Brynn: No.

Hanso: Butter face?

Brynn: N—HEY WAIT A SECOND, HANSO YOU LITTLE—

Old Ogrin Dude (henceforth OOD): I'm glad I decided to come along! The old blood needs some excitement once in a while.

Xandra: Careful not to get a heart attack and die, old man. I'm not carrying your corpse back.

OOD: Bah, young people. What's our plan of attack? We should confer with this Nox, if we can…

Jazan: Confer? What the f...are you crazy, old man? I'm poppin' a cap in his ass, gangster-style!

Hanso: *whines* Are we there yet?

Brynn: No.

Hanso: Are we there yet?

Xandra: No!

Hanso: Are we there yet? :/

Jazan: No, you little twerp.

Hanso: Are we there yeeeeet?

Altador: We're here.

Hanso: Oh. That was fast.

*DUN DUN DUNNNNN NOX'S FORTRESS*

Altador: This is Nox's lair, enemy ground—

Everyone: We know.

Altador: …we must all be on our guard—

Everyone: We _know_.

Altador: There's no _telling_ what sort of magical treachery is afoot.

Everyone: WE KNOW.

Altador: Well gosh, you don't have to yell at me. D:

(Scene changes to them all standing around as Altador prattles on with battle plans…yawn)

Altador: H'okay, so here's Nox's fortress…it's chillin'. Dang, that's a sweet fortress, you might say—

Jazan: ROUND.

Altador: H'all right, you and Xandra will go after the artifact, since she'll recognize it.

Brynn: Where's Hanso?

Guard #1: He's over there!

Guard #2: *just falls over 'cause he's dumb*

Tree in the background: Lol n00b.

Xandra: Aren't we going after him?

Altador: You kidding? He's got about 2600 more nukes than anybody else!

Xandra: What are you even talking about?

Altador: …I mean Nox could appear at any second, and with that artifact, he's a greater threat than usual.

Jazan: Hey, if Nox is blue, what color do you think he'll turn if I choke him?

Altador: Here's a better question. How can you choke someone that doesn't have a neck?

Jazan: …*mindf-cked*

Brynn: *facepalms* I'll go find Hanso…

*Hanso is spotted climbing over one of the walls surrounding Nox's fortress*

Brynn: So _that's_ how the Mexicans keep sneaking in…

Hanso: Of course! No self-respecting thief would ever use the front gates to break in, so I'm going to find my own way.

Brynn: Somehow I don't think that's the best idea…

Hanso: Aww…would you miss me if I left? ;D

Brynn: Hardly.

Hanso: Aw, ouch. :(

Brynn: But it's still dangerous. Nox could be anywhere. If he can turn faeries to stone, who knows what he could do to you?

Hanso: Probably kill me I'd be laughing so hard from how short he is. And that _facial hair_? Hahahahahaha!

Brynn: This is srs business, Hanso. Don't play like that, bro.

Hanso: I'm a master thief, Brynneth; he'll never even know I'm there.

Brynn: And how do I know you're not going in there to tip him off?

Hanso: Well, if you don't trust me, you could always chain me up again. ;D

Brynn: …*turns in the other direction* -_-

Hanso: That's what I thought. Alley-oop! *hops over the wall*

Jazan: I'm gonna LOL if Hubrid has land mines in his lawn.

**Chapter 3, end**


	4. Chapter 4

Sorry this chapter's late, guys. I'm a busy college student. :'D

**THE FAERIES' RUIN…chapter 4**

_Setting__: Hanso has successfully infiltrated Nox's lair._

Hanso: Ooh, nice stuff. Urge to steal…rising…

*magical wall torch WHOOSHes to life in green flames*

Hanso: Coooool. :o

Torch: It means he knows you're here now, dumb ass.

Hanso: Aw. ):

Nox: How dare you trespass here! Be gone before I blast you so hard that Grundos will be finding pieces of you on Kreludor!

Hanso: Ha, that's clever.

Nox: Oh, you really think so? I've been waiting to threaten somebody with that one for _ages_.

Hanso: This was _totally_ the perfect time to use it.

Nox: I know, right? Anyway…I KEEL JOO DEAD.

Hanso: Now, now…no need to get all butthurt, Nox, old chum.

Nox: I'm not your chum, buddy.

Hanso: Well I'm not your buddy, guy!

Nox: I'm not your guy, friend!

Hanso: I'm not your frien—

Nox: JUST TELL ME WHY YOU'RE HERE, GAWD.

Hanso: I just dropped in to see how that artifact was working out for you.

Nox: What in Neopia are you talking about?

*alarm goes off…or something*

*AAAARRRRUUUUUU*

Nox: Well, well, well…what have we here? *pulls out a crystal ball that shows him our heroes*

Altador (from inside the crystal): Nox has been alerted to our presence! Storm the gates!

Xandra: *got her ass kicked* x_x

Nox: So, I see you've brought friends!

Hanso: Yeah, they wanted to see how the artifact was working out for you, too.

Nox: Really? Oh, how thoughtful, I—HEY WAIT A SECOND…

Hanso: Dang, villains just aren't as gullible as they used to be. :(

Nox: *pulls a book off a shelf that opens a secret passageway behind the bookshelf*

Hanso: That is…so cliché.

Nox: But effective! If you steal anything else, I'll know about it, so take care with what you lay your sticky fingers on, thief!

Hanso: Speaking of fingers, how are you holding that crystal ball if you don't have any?

Nox: …F*CK YOU, THAT'S HOW. *throws it at Hanso and runs off*

Brynn: *darts into the room as Nox escapes* Hanso! Stop him!

Hanso (picking up the crystal ball): Durr?

*DOOR TO THE ROOM SLAMS SHUT*

Altador (from inside the crystal): The doors are sealed!

Jazan (likewise): Look out, the ceiling's coming down!

Hanso: Aw, they're having all the fun. :(

Brynn: *tries to open the door* D:

Hanso: Did you not hear all that yelling from the crystal ball? The doors are sealed shut, dummy.

Brynn: I don't see YOU with any better ideas, Hanso!

Hanso: _Actually_, a good thief always has an alternate means of escape…lucky for you.

Brynn: Oh yes, lucky for me. -_-

Hanso: Watch this trick I can do! Alakazam! *pulls the appropriate book and voilá the bookshelf opens! Like magic!*

Brynn: I see what you did there.

Hanso: Into the escape tunnel we go!

*the tunnel is pitch black, of course*

Brynn: I can't believe you.

Hanso: *sighs* Yes, sometimes I even astonish myself with my cleverness. Thanks for noticing.

Brynn: No, I can't believe your dumb ass let Nox go! You saw him escape through this passageway, and you didn't follow him?

Hanso: But it's dark!

Brynn: Oh, for the love of—

Hanso: Besides that, it seemed a bit dangerous to run after him on my own—UNARMED, since you, I don't know, kind of _took my dagger_.

Brynn: Oh, so now you're blaming it on me?

Hanso: You're a woman. Of course it's your fault.

Brynn: Why you dirty rotten…

Hanso: And he chucked a crystal ball at my head!

Brynn: Oh, boo-hoo, a crystal ball! I once saw you fight _three_ Brightvale guards all on your own. Do you except me to believe that a crystal ball would scare you?

Hanso: Really? It was three? *puffs out chest* :D

Brynn: What are you doing? -_-

Hanso: …nothing. *resumes normal posture* You know, Brightvale guards aren't _that_ impressive—

Brynn: *WHACKS*

Hanso: Ow! Except you, of course, Brynn my dear. Heh…

Brynn: Yeah, sure.

Hanso: Maaaaybe I didn't follow Nox because I wanted more of your charming company.

Brynn: Or maybe it's because you two are in cahoots.

Hanso: …oops my foot slipped!

Brynn: OOF-*trips and falls* Tripping me! You've sunk to a new low.

Hanso: Don't blame me for your clumsiness. I thought Kougras were supposed to have excellent reflexes.

Brynn: …I have no witty retort so I'm just going to pretend I can't find my helmet. Harrumph.

Hanso: Oh good, a candle. *lights it up* Maybe this will prevent any more sneak attacks.

Brynn: Pfft. You know, you'd think a guy with a lavishly decorated mansion could afford a few wall sconces for passageways like this.

Hanso: Have you seen the economy lately? Budget cuts.

Brynn: Where did you even find that candle?

Hanso: What do you do if fierce Peophins has eaten too much tin of olives?

Brynn: …what?

Hanso: Huh?

Brynn: …:/

Hanso: At the risk of being hit again, can I say that you look much better without that helmet?

Brynn: Oh, shut up. Where are we?

(Vile, evil plot step with the wooden pegs and knobs and doors)

Hanso: Oh sweet! A puzzle! I LOVE puzzles! *starts messing around with the knobs*

Brynn: *listens closely for their friends*

Hanso: What happens if I dooo…red-red-blue-red-green? *pushes button*

Xandra: AAAAUGH DEATH RAY NOOOO.

Hanso: Hehehe…

Brynn: *glares*

Hanso: *shrinks* Um…let's try…blue-green-red-green-red? *pushes button*

Jazan: Ooh, ice cream! :o

Hanso: Hmmm…green-blue-green-blue-red! *pushes button*

Altador: OMG USUKIS. :O

Brynn, Hanso: *blink blink*

Brynn: Move over, let me try. *pushes Hanso out of the way and does a different combination*

Altador: NOOO SCARABS TOOK MY USUKIS. ;~;

Brynn: Ah…oops.

Hanso: *shakes head* You see? You women are the reason we can't have nice things.

**Chapter 4, end**


	5. Chapter 5

When you see it...

**THE FAERIES' RUIN…chapter 5**

_Setting:__ Brynn and Hanso have just freed their comrades from the confines of Nox's home. Meanwhile, Nox is escaping through the Haunted Woods._

Brynn: Thanks a lot, Hanso. How am I going to face King Altador? I stood up for you again and again, and you betrayed me—I mean…us. Yeah, us.

Hanso: Nice catch. And hey, don't worry about it. He'll probably be too busy kissing my ass for saving him to remember that anyway.

Brynn: _After_ he beats you to a pulp for the scarabs, Wadjets, skulls, and death ray, of course.

Hanso: You don't think he's still _bitter_ about that…right?

Xandra, Altador, Jazan, and the others: *all ready to kick Hanso's ass*

Hanso: …nah.

Brynn: So reassuring, Hanso. You better not expect me to make the same mistake again.

Hanso: Yeah sure, whatever. Keep pretending you don't want aaaall this.

Brynn: Of course I want you, Hanso…to jump off the top of the Lost Desert pyramids.

Hanso: Anything for you, sweet cheeks. ;D

Brynn: And die.

Hanso: Except that.

Brynn: Ugh, what are we still doing in this dark, dank room?

Hanso: Bonding. ;o

Brynn: I'll bond my fist with your face.

Hanso: These threats are getting old.

Brynn: ...where do you think Hubrid ran off to?

Hanso: Away from you. *laughs at his own quip because he's so clever*

Brynn: News flash, he's running away from you, too.

Hanso: NOBODY LIKES ME. *ANGST*

_Meanwhile…Hubrid is fleeing._

Hubrid: *running as fast as his short little legs can carry him* *it's f#$king adorable*

*Hubrid turns around to face the audience so he can laugh evilly*

Hubrid: Mwahahaha!

Tree: Lame, dude.

Hubrid: NOBODY ASKED YOU.

Tree: Keep running without looking at what's ahead of you. Yeah, that's smart.

Hubrid: Silence, tree! Do not question my genius, for once again I have made a cunning escape! Those fools thought they could outwit me! In my own castle, no less! I shall now proceed to explain how superior my brain is to theirs for the next six pan—*runs into a Nox doppelganger*

Doppelganger: Lol DENIED.

Tree: TWO Noxes? What a twist!

Nox: *looks up and OMG's* What? NOOOO!

Doppelganger: YOU MAY NOT PASS 'GO'. *zaps Nox in the face*

Nox: Boardwalk, some day you'll be mine... *collapses to the ground, unconscious and probably very dead*

Doppelganger: Sorry bro, maybe next time. For now, you lost **the game**.

Reader: ...oh, you're _evil_.

**Chapter 5, end**


	6. Chapter 6

**THE FAERIES' RUIN…chapter 6**

_Setting:__ The whole gang has been reunited and is currently gathered 'round a campfire in a nondescript part of the Haunted Woods._

Hanso: *tied to a tree* I honestly didn't see this coming. Oh WHY didn't I see this coming?

Jazan: Ha! See? I told you he was up to no good. I knew it from the second I laid eyes on him.

Hanso: Why don't you just go ahead and do your victory dance there, Jazzy boy?

Jazan: And send all my fangirls into ecstatic comas? I think not.

Xandra: I agree with Jazan…not about the fangirls thing, but, you know, about Hanso being up to no good.

Hanso: Nerdy know-it-all.

Xandra: Shut your mouth, thief! We should've never trusted you in the first place! He _stole_ from me, in case any of you have forgotten.

Altador: Yeah, we stopped caring like, two chapters ago.

Jazan: Yeah, and he _also_ stole a good portion of my fanbase! He'll pay for that. *sexy hair toss*

Brynn: He _also_ led us to Nox.

Guard #1: And the ice cream room! *omnomnomdroolnom*

Altador: And the Usukis! :3 *plays with a Prom Queen one*

Jazan: …*hides a Beautiful Bride Usuki behind his back* That's not the point. He let Nox escape and we all ended up trapped in that villain's castle!

Hanso: I already told you, he threw a crystal ball at me! :(

Jazan: Oh, well that changes _everything_.

Hanso: Really?

Jazan: No. I'm still feeding you to the Chasm Beast. :/

Hanso: But-but-but…Brynn and I _freed_ you thankless jerkwads!

Jazan: I'm sure that was mostly Brynn's doing.

Hanso: Aw hellz naw…no woman is taking credit for a man's work! Brynn, tell this fool.

Brynn: *look of sheer inner turmoil*

Hanso: I don't like that look on your face. ._.;

Brynn: *turns away* I'm sorry, Hanso. I can't help you this time. You've pushed things too far.

Hanso: TRAITOR.

Jazan: Excellent! So it's decided. We'll take care of this crook and then go after Nox.

Old Ogrin: Jazan, have you ever thought it might be unwise to derive happiness from the misfortune of others?

Jazan: I'm just doing what must be done. I'm not _happy_ about it.

Old Ogrin: Don't be playin', nigga.

Jazan: *sadistic grin* Okay, but just a little. ;D

Altador: Let us turn back to the task at hand. What we need to figure out is where we should begin to look for Nox.

Hanso: Uuuh, excuse me? *is ignored*

Brynn: He can't have gotten too far. Maybe we should split up and search here in the Haunted Woods?

Jazan: Yeah, because we had such _fabulous_ luck when we were split up inside Hubrid's place.

Hanso: I hate to interrupt but—*still ignored*

Xandra: Would it be more likely that he'd flee to a secret location? Somewhere we'd never think of looking?

Old Ogrin: What if he were attacked here in the Woods and replaced by a doppelganger impostor?

Everyone: *bursts out laughing*

Old Ogrin: It was just a suggestion, jeez.

Xandra: Lol, old people.

Hanso: Please, would somebody—

Brynn: HANSO! Could you _please_ stop interrupting?

Hanso: I'd be happy to—not—but, well…just look for yourselves. *motions to the sky*

(SWEET BORI ON A BAGEL FAERIELAND IS ALL DARK AND PURPLE AND SHIT. IT'S SO COOL, MAN.)

Brynn: Is that…Faerieland?

Jazan: No, it's Tyrannia.

Brynn: What's happening? Oh, the horror!

Altador: I'm no expert, but, perhaps with the faeries in their current state, their magic has started to weaken. Whatever the reason, time is of the essence.

Hanso: While I doubt any of you are particularly interested in my opinion, I think we should fight.

Jazan: Good idea. I've wanted to beat your ass since I first laid eyes on you. *cracks knuckles excitedly*

Hanso: DO NOT WANT.

Brynn: Fight whom? Nox has disappeared, you idiot.

Hanso: Why don't you look behind you?

Brynn: Say what now?

Evil Shadow Brute: Hey, 'sup? We're like, evil 'n stuff.

(Cue epic battle and the cliffhanger ending)

**Chapter 6, end**


	7. Chapter 7

**THE FAERIES' RUIN…chapter 7**

_Setting:__ The whole gang is battling the shadow creatures in the Haunted Woods. Except Hanso. He's tied to a tree._

Brynn: What _are_ they?

Hanso: Scary!

Brynn: Now is NOT the time for that, Hanso!

Hanso: But they are. :(

Xandra: Perhaps these are Nox's minions?

Jazan (fighting one): But Nox's minions are ghosts. These are…SOMETHING ELSE. *dramatic background music*

Hanso: Does it matter? Unless you've all forgotten, FAERIELAND IS SINKING. That seems just a bit more important. Also, I'm still tied to a tree. Just fyi.

Altador: He's right. These beings are merely a diversion from out greater purpose. We must discover what's happening to the faeries and their magic.

Hanso: After you untie me from this tree.

Shadow Wraith: *approaches him, mouth agape and ready to eat his face*

Hanso: Seriously? Anyone? The tree?

Brynn: Quit complaining. *slices his ropes*

Altador: Aw, c'mon guys, that was good rope. :(

Hanso: Cheers, Brynn.

Brynn: Don't make me regret it, Hanso.

Hanso: You can always tie me back up later. ;D

Brynn: Don't know if want…

_Some time later…after the fighting has ceased._

Altador: We can't rest long. The fate of Faerieland hangs in the balance.

Xandra: You really need to quit stating the obvious, Altador. :/

Jazan: What do you recommend? More _star-gazing_?

Stars: But we're so pretty…

Brynn: If Nox is using his minions to distract us from saving Faerieland, why don't we create a diversion of our own to keep him busy for a while?

Jazan: He can stare at my beautiful visage. *flashes a winning smile*

Fangirls: *swoon*

Old Ogrin: I feel it is time for old people wisdom.

Jazan: Try me.

Old Ogrin: When the Tonu charges at the Usul with all of his force, it's the wise Usul who steps aside, leaving a tripwire for the Tonu, of course.

Jazan: …what does that have to do with _anything_?

Altador: Right then. What do YOU propose, Brynn?

Brynn: Some of you should stay here and see if Nox's minions lead you to him, while I head back to Brightvale. We have the greatest library outside of Faerieland; there should be something there.

Altador: That doesn't even…_remotely_ sound like a plan of distraction.

Brynn: Shut it. I'm making this up as I go along.

Xandra: Books? Library? Reading? BOOKS? OMG BRYNN CAN I COME TOO PLZ PLZ PLZ

Brynn: Uh…yes?

Xandra: I can do some more research on faerie artifacts! :D

Brynn: That sounds…enthralling.

Jazan: If you're running off to Brightvale, lock him up while you're there.

Hanso: *whistles innocently*

Jazan: He'll keep in the dungeons until this is all sorted.

Hanso: Pfft, as if those dungeons have ever been able to hold me. Right, Brynn?

Brynn: *silence*

Hanso: I said…RIGHT, Brynn?

Brynn: Okay, Jazan.

Hanso: Ha! See, I told y—wait, what?

Brynn: *grabs his wrist and leads him off* Come on, Hanso.

Xandra: *follows after* Don't think for a second I'm not going to insist you lock him up. You obviously have a soft spot for this rogue.

Hanso: Haven't I _been_ telling you idiots that she wants all this? Seriously, do none of you listen?

Brynn (not listening): Of course I'll lock him up. I said as much, didn't I? *blushes furiously*

Hanso: Brynn! After all we've been through? You wound me, really.

Xandra: Just as my genius nerd mind expected. I knew you two had some sort of history.

Brynn: He tried to pick my pocket my very first day on patrol. I took him in, but he escaped the next morning.

Hanso: Of course, I _let_ her catch me that first time, to boost her confidence.

(Oh boy! Flashback time!)

_Before I knew it, we were crossing paths again…_

_Brynn: *hands an old woman back her purse while holding onto Hanso*_

_Hanso: :/_

_…__and again__…_

_Brynn: *returns a guard's belongings as she glares at Hanso with obvious irritation*_

_Hanso: *cheesy grin*_

_…__and aga—_

(ASDLKJFJHVGSDF OMG KANRIK *fangirl squeal*)

_Brynn: *handing Kanrik back his stolen item*_

_Kanrik: *murderous glare*_

_Hanso: Uh…heh…hi._

_Brynn: How the heck did you manage to steal from a master thief, Hanso?_

_Kanrik: He must have done it while I was distracted rejecting Armin's repeated friend requests on Facebook. Kid just won't get the hint._

(End flashback)

Xandra: You must be a _terrible_ thief, Hanso.

Hanso: Those were the ONLY times I got caught out of hundreds of heists. And I had my reasons for letting myself get taken in.

Xandra: Oh really? And what would those be?

Hanso: Well you see I…*coughmumble* and *mumblemumblecough* and stuff.

Xandra: Uh-huh. -_-

Hanso: Bah, it's not like I ever hurt anyone.

Xandra: Um, what about the people you _stole_ from? Like me? Didn't you hurt them?

Brynn: She's right. And now Faerieland is in horrible danger because of what you did.

Hanso: You're STILL upset about that? Jeez, grudge holder, much?

Xandra: Silence, thief!

Hanso: Hey, I'm not the one who made Faerieland fall out of the sky!

Xandra: Speaking of which, I should be off to my books. Someone's got to figure out how to counteract Nox's spell.

Brynn: Good luck. I hope one of us finds something useful.

Xandra: Thanks. And when you lock him up, Brynn, don't forget to throw away the key. *leaves*

Hanso: Yikes what a bitch. :/

Brynn: *rubs her arm uncomfortably* I'm sorry…I said some things I shouldn't have. It's just that—I never told you this—I almost lost my position in the Guards because I trusted you.

Hanso: Hey, you were just being honest. :(

Author: Oh, come on, now you're just being depressing.

Hanso: *sigh* We should get going. I've got a date with a dungeon cell. Wouldn't want to be late.

(And so they go…to BRIGHTVALE! Damn that's a long walk.)

Brynn: *looks at the overcast sky and dreary landscape* Do things look…different to you?

Hanso: Now that you mention it, yeah, it's too quiet. It looks like the Grey Faerie paid a visit and spread her emo everywhere.

Brynn: It's as though the life were being sucked out of everything.

Hanso: And to think…Xandra's not even here!

Brynn: Your wit is endless, Hanso. -_-

Hanso: Yes, yes it is. :D

Brynn: This isn't the time to joke. It's something to do with the faeries being turned to stone. I just _know_ it. I've got to get to the library as soon as possible.

Hanso: You're such a wet blanket.

(Scene changed to them outside of the dungeons)

Hanso: So I guess this means you have to do your duty.

Brynn: Yes, it does.

Hanso: Aw, come on. No one will ever know if you don't lock me up. I definitely won't tell them.

Brynn: *slaps the shackles on him* It's better this way…

Dungeon Cell: I want you inside me.

Brynn: …for both of us. *puts him in the cell*

Hanso: Nngh…

Dungeon Cell: Hey baby. ;D

Hanso: BRYNN! Wait! I could help you! Two sets of eyes are better than one!

Brynn: Just stay here. It'll be safer, and it'll only be for a while, I promise.

Hanso: Wryyy…

Brynn: Oh quit being such a baby about it. :/

Hanso: Will you at least say you still trust me? I don't care what Altador and the rest of those self-righteous, buttoned-up heroes think of me, but you—

Brynn: G2g, ttyl. *leaves*

Hanso: …poop.

**Chapter 7, end**


	8. Chapter 8

Dun dun dunnnn...

**THE FAERIES' RUIN…chapter 8**

_Setting__: Hanso's chillin' in his dungeon cell._

Brynn: *runs in holding a book* Hanso! I think I've found something!

Hanso: The key to this cell, I hope. Ba-dum-cha!

Brynn: No, you idiot. I found a book!

Hanso: Who would've thought you'd find one of those in the Brightvale library?

Brynn: If you weren't behind those bars I'd _smack_ you so hard with it you—*grumbles* Anyway, this book has a picture of the artifact you stole on it. See?

Hanso: *examines the book* That's not the artifact I st—er, liberated from Xandra. This thing is much bigger, much like my ego. Though I guess there's a resemblance? Can it reverse the spell?

Brynn: GEE HANSO, I DON'T KNOW. DO I LOOK LIKE THE RESIDENT ARTIFACT EXPERT TO YOU?

Hanso: I sense irritation in your voice, but I could be wrong.

Brynn: *snatches the book back* I don't know, you dummy. The text is unclear.

Hanso: So essentially Faerieland is just as doomed as it was before? Leave it to a woman to muck things up.

Brynn: At least I'm trying and not being a smartass!

Hanso: Hey! It's an endearing character trait!

Brynn: Ugh! So I think that artifact you sold to Nox might be part of this one, somehow. Maybe Xandra would know for sure. I should go find her—

*rude interruption of loud noises outside*

_CHING KLANG CHING KLANG KLANG_

Hanso: What's that?

Brynn: It sounds like an attack…

Hanso: In Brightvale? The land of books and stained glass? NO WAI.

Brynn: Honestly, I'm just as surprised as you are. o.o

Hanso: We fight now? :D

Brynn: There is no 'we,' Hanso. _I_ need to go see what's happening. _You _stay here.

Hanso: But it's dangerous out there. Let me go with you and watch your back! …and your front. ;D

Brynn: I can take care of myself just fine, thanks. Stay here and guard the book. It's all you're really competent of at this point.

Hanso: Oh, I see how it is. I SEE HOW IT IS. Fine! Go! Just be careful, will you? No crazy heroics or something.

Brynn: Same to you.

Hanso: You know I'm no hero. I'm just a thief, remember? That's why I'm behind these bars.

Dungeon Cell: You know you like it.

Hanso: Better leave, Brynn, before it becomes any more apparent that I'm meant to be your obvious love interest.

Brynn: Eww, boys have cooties. *runs off to go battle*

Hanso: Well, looks like it's time to escape. 8D

(Six entire panels devoted to him making a makeshift lasso out of his belt, using it to retrieve his arm warmer, unrolling it to reveal a set of tools, and picking the lock. Awesome.)

Hanso: *hides behind a wall and yells out* Help! Guards!

Guards: Dur? *walk into the dungeon*

Hanso: *wedged between the ceiling rafters above them* SPIIIIIIIDER HANSO! *leaps down and clunks the guards' heads together*

Guards: *unsurprisingly knocked unconscious*

Hanso: Please understand, I hold you in the highest respe—wait huh?

Guards: *bear a striking resemblance to Guard #1 and #2 from previous chapters*

Hanso: Um…k nvm. *escapes to his freedom*

**Chapter 8, end**


	9. Chapter 9

Neopets user #1: What…what is this?

User #2: …I…I think it's a plot update.

User #3: *runs wildly into the room* What update who said update someone said plot update WHERE IS THE PLOT UPDATE ARGH

User #1: But…but this can't be. It's been so long!

User #3: *fetal position on the floor* PLOT UPDATE WRYYYYYYYY?

User #2: It is! *cries* IT IS!

User #1: Do you know what this means?

User #2: You mean a—

**FAERIES' RUIN CHAPTER 9 PLOT SPOOF? YEEEEEAAAAAAHHH.**

_Setting: __Brightvale in under attack by more shadow monsters. Brynn is in a courtyard, fighting valiantly. Hanso is walking out of the dungeon._

Hanso: *whistles a lively tune as he steps out into daylight* Free at last, free at la—WHOA…

(Entire courtyard is overrun by shadow monsters, Brynn dead in the center)

Brynn: All right, sword. Time to make those cool sound effects.

Sword: _SWHISH_

Shadow Minion: SOUND EFFECTS NOOO *dies*

Sword: _FWHPP_

Shadow Wraith: SKREEEEE?

Sword: *thonk* Crap. I'm stuck in this here pole.

(Shadow Conqueror sneaks up behind her while she's occupied freeing her sword)

Brynn: Aw, that's not cool. Come on, guys. :/

Shadow Conqueror: I have 75 starting HP. WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?

Hanso: Pfft. You mid-level battlers are sooo uncouth. *pounces on it*

Shadow Conqueror: I AM NOT FOR RIDING.

Hanso: Well, unfortunately…I've always wanted a pony. GIDDYAP!

Shadow Conqueror: BLARGH *falls over and goes poof*

Hanso: Wow, who knew you could defeat these things just by throwing them off balance?

Brynn: Thanks for making me look bad. :/

Hanso: But Brynn, I only exposed your technique for the inefficient and tedious method that it is. :D

Brynn: …*yanks her sword out of the pole* Well, you just ooze cool, don't you, Hanso?

Hanso: Thanks for noticing. ;D Yeah so…we should get out of here.

Brynn: How did you get out of your cell?

Hanso: I charmed the guards with my devilish good looks, of course. So much so that they're completely unconscious!

Brynn: You are so full of it, Hanso.

Hanso: That's some thanks for saving your ass not two minutes ago.

Brynn: I don't need your help! And I'm not leaving Brightvale to these…things!

Hanso: Think about it, Brynn. We barely made it out of the Haunted Woods alive, and that was with the help of Altador…and even Jazan. The two of us don't stand a chance!

Brynn: But it's not just the two of us, there are plenty of other guards and soldiers that are figh—

Guards and Soldiers: You're on your own. *flee*

Brynn: WELL FINE. I'LL GET THE SALARY RAISE AND YOU WON'T.

Hanso: Right…back to leaving?

Brynn: YOU can go, Hanso. This isn't your fight.

Hanso: Fine, stay here and die if you want. I'm leaving.

Brynn: …just like that? No arguing?

Hanso: Nope. *walks away*

Brynn: …HANSO!

Hanso: *turns on his heels* See? I knew you couldn't resist all thi—BWOASHIT SWORD COMING AT MY FACE.

Sword: Lol psyche. *slices through a shadow sneaking up behind Hanso and clangs into the nearby wall, knocking out a large chunk of stone that hits him in the head*

Hanso: NO, MY MODELING CAREER.

Brynn: Heh. *wry grin*

Shadows: *surround Brynn now that she's weaponless*

Brynn: Oh. Crap. Maybe I shouldn't have done that.

Hanso: *rubs his head where the rock pwn'd him* Ow, that hurts. You're a jerk Brynn. Wait…Brynn?

Shadows: We're stealin' ur gurlfrend. Lol kthx.

Hanso: NO! BRYNNNNN!

Second group of shadows: Omgstfu. *surround Hanso*

Hanso: Oh, snap…what should I do? ;o;

Catapult: I've just been suddenly drawn in for your convenience!

Hanso: Hallelujah! *picks up Brynn's sword and runs for it, slicing the rope once he's loaded himself in* I hope this is a good ide—

Catapult: TOO LATE. *flings him into the forests surrounding Brightvale castle*

Hanso: Weeeee—! OH FYORA NOOO—*face full of tree*

(Hanso lands safely in a mess of tree branches…lol…anyway, he's fine)

Hanso: *picks leaves off himself* Seriously, I don't get paid enough for this s—oh right, I'm supposed to be sad Brynn got abducted. *frowns*

Brynn: HANSO!

Hanso: Aw, now I'm already hearing her annoying voice in my head… :(

Hanso: HANSO YOU IDIOT. I'm alive!

Hanso: Buh? *looks up and sees her being carried away by the shadows* You mean I conveniently landed right where you were being dragged off?

Brynn: You think my voice is _annoying_?

Hanso: Oh, you heard that part?

Brynn: Just shut up and take the book to Altador! He'll know what to do!

Hanso: Are you suuuuuuure?

Brynn: HANSO JUST DO IT.

Hanso: Hmm…*looks down at the book* Hmm…*close-up shot of his srs face* Hmm…

Author: ENOUGH INNER CONTEMPLATION GET ON WITH IT ALREADY.

Hanso: But I have to build up drama. D:

Author: *taps foot*

Hanso: Okay, fine. *buttons up his jacket…do I really need to describe it? You all know how fashionable that jacket is*

(Scene changes to the shadows pushing Brynn into a dark cave)

Brynn: A cave…why is it _always_ a cave? Oh, hey, Xandra's here.

Xandra: They got you too? I was coming to see if you'd found anything, but then these things came out of nowhere and grabbed me!

Brynn: Yeah, they're getting stronger. I doubt Nox is controlling them all.

Xandra: Hmm…yes, good point…how intriguing…*smokes a pipe as she ponders*

(A few emaciated and deathly-looking pets are sitting listlessly in the back of the cave)

Brynn: What happened to them?

Xandra: Meth is a helluva drug.

Brynn: Heh... Seriously though.

Xandra: I don't know. But they're not dead. I think the creatures are feeding on them somehow.

Brynn: We have to help them!

Xandra: Yes, it's quite disturbing. Quite…*resumes puffing on her pipe*

Brynn: *grabs it* Give me that…where did you even get this thing?

Xandra: I'm the scholarly type void of any personality. We *always* have a pipe.

Brynn: …feh. So, I found a book—

Xandra: BOOK? BOOK WHERE I WANNA SEE THE BOOK I LOVE BOOKS.

Brynn: Hanso has it. But we got separated. I don't know where he—*gets a tap on her shoulder* Huh? *turns around*

Hanso: *lurking in the shadows looking awesome* *holds a finger to his lips* Shhhhh…

Brynn: Why are you shushing me? *crosses arms*

Hanso: You're ruining how awesomely badass I look in this panel. So shut up. :/

**Chapter 9, end**


	10. Chapter 10

**THE FAERIES' RUIN…chapter 10**

_Setting:__ Xandra, after having fashioned a crude wand, blasts a hole through the barrier over the cave entrance. The prisoners run free._

Hanso: *leans over and nudges Brynn* Hehe, so I bet you're glad that I came along, aren't you? ;D

Xandra: You? It was _my_ magic that got us out!

Hanso: Hey Brynn, do you hear something? It sounds like the annoying buzz of AN OVER-SIZED MOSQUITO THAT THINKS HER INPUT MATTERS.

Xandra: WHY YOU LITTLE—

Hanso: Ugly things, aren't they?

Brynn: Hanso, cut it out. We don't have time for this. Let's get out of here.

Hanso: Whatever you say, your highness.

(Scene changes to them climbing up a steep hill to escape)

Brynn: Hey, Hanso?

Hanso: Yeeeesss? :D

Brynn: How the heck did you manage to get into the cave without being caught, anyway?

Hanso: Oh, I have my ways…and by ways I mean hanging out with the right crowd, and by 'hanging out' I mean clinging to the back of a Shadow Conqueror like a Mynci. *thumbs up*

(They make it to the top of the hill! And freedom! YAAAAAY)

Brynn: You should've taken the book to King Altador! I can take care of myself—we should be more worried about Faerieland!

Hanso: Nag nag, bitch bitch, moan moan. :/

Brynn: But thanks for coming for us all the same~ *flirty smile*

Hanso: You f***ing tease…*mischievous grin*

Xandra: Yes, thanks Hanso. Now, what about the book? You still have it right?

Hanso: Look, Brynn. The mosquito learned to speak!

Xandra: *growls* HANSO GIVE ME THE BOOK I HAVEN'T READ A BOOK IN OVER THIRTY MINUTES I'M ABOUT TO DIE.

Hanso: All you had to do was say 'please'… *innocently hands her the book*

Xandra: *sniffs the book and sighs in ecstasy* OhFyorayesabook…*opens it*

Hanso: Mmm…reading. So exciting. :/

Brynn: *looks on with Xandra* That's the picture I saw before. It looks a bit like the artifact Hanso stole. Maybe the spell to reverse the curse on the faeries is in there?

Xandra: I don't see any spells…just this map.

Hanso: *peeks over their shoulders* Heeeey I know that place! :D

Xandra: Oh, of _course_ you know those ruins. Our little Gary-Stu just wouldn't be complete unless he conveniently happened to know about the exact place we needed to go next.

Hanso: What more do I have to do to prove myself to you? Actually, why should I even care?

Xandra: Maybe because my input actually _does_ matter?

Hanso: …pfft. Naaah.

Xandra: Pray tell, then, how do you know about these ruins?

Hanso: They used to be one of our lairs when I was in the Thieves' Guild. If you want to go there, I can take you.

Xandra: ...what's option two?

Hanso: Stumbling around in circles until you get caught by those things again. Your choice, bro.

Xandra: I'm not your 'bro'.

Hanso: Buzz buzz buzz, that's all I'm hearing.

Brynn: *sighs* We have to follow this lead. There might be something in those ruins we can use, Xandra.

Hanso: If it hasn't already been stolen by the thieves, of course. :D

Brynn: You really know how to help out the situation, Hanso. -_-

(Scene changes to them standing outside the decrepit and crumbling ruins. Ooh, spooky.)

Hanso: *looks at a gargoyle* Huh…it's a bit creepier than I remember.

Gargoyle: You pussy.

Hanso: NO U! :(

Gargoyle: No u.

Brynn: HANSO.

Hanso: Oh. Right. Um…ladies first?

Brynn and Xandra: Bitch plz. *shove him through the nearest door*

**Chapter 10, end**


	11. Chapter 11

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Guys, I check the news. I _know_ when new chapters are released. You don't have to keep telling me new chapters are out and to update the spoof accordingly—it adds unnecessary clutter to my inbox. I'm a busy college student and can't always immediately get to updating. I hope you understand.

**THE FAERIES' RUIN…chapter 11**

_Setting:__ Brynn, Xandra, and Hanso are inside the ruins, where a pair of Shadow creatures stand before them, menacing and totally scary, man. Hanso doesn't remember them being there._

Hanso: Huh. I don't remember them being here.

Neopets Battledomers: New challengers new challengers new challENGERS NEW CHALLENGERS NEW CHALLENGERS!

Brynn: Nope, they're all mine. Run!

(Hanso, Brynn, and Xandra run for their lives)

Shadows: GROAAAARRRR.

Brynn: You two find the artifact. I'll hold them off as long as I can.

Hanso: But—

Xandra: There's no point in arguing. I need your help finding the artifact. Come on!

Hanso: But…but…new challengers! Plot points! ):

Xandra: Sorry Hanso, not this time.

Hanso: What? You mean this is just a _filler_ chapter? No new STEPS? THIS IS BLASPHEMY.

Brynn: BRIGHTVALE—*attacks the Shadows*

Xandra: NOW, Hanso! *grabs his arm and leads him off*

(The two run around the old ruins until they finally come across the right room containing the artifact.)

Artifact: Look at me, just sitting so serenely and innocently in this beam of sunlight. It's too pretty to be cliché.

Hanso: Aha! What have we here?

Xandra: The artifact, dummy.

Hanso: Xandra, that was a rhetorical question and you know what never mind you're the least liked character anyway.

Xandra: WHAT! I'm the token magic user!

Hanso: Nuh-uh, Jazan has that cool lightning thing he does with his hands. Didn't you read the Lost Desert plot?

Xandra: I'm still the best chance you've got for reversing the spell!

Hanso: No way. My awesomeness alone could do that.

Xandra: Funny, it hasn't worked yet.

(Ooh, burn.)

Hanso: Shut up, narrator.

Xandra: Let's just grab the artifact and get out of here.

Hanso: Careful! You can't just rush over and snatch it.

Xandra: There's nothing to fear here, except those creepy gargoyles…and the gigantic Shadows that almost attacked us back at the entrance…and the dark gloomy hallways…and the—

Hanso: Yeah, yeah, I get it. Do you have a bag of sand?

Xandra: …we don't have time for this. *grabs it off the pedestal*

Hanso: AAAH! *cringes for the inevitable booby trap*

Xandra: *looks at him like the idiot he is and sighs*

Hanso: …okay, so you were lucky this time.

Xandra: Shut up and let's find Brynn.

(He shuts up and they find Brynn.)

Hanso: BRYNNY-BOO, YOU'RE ALL RIGHT. :D

Brynn: Of course I am, you dolt. It took you two long enough. Did you find anything?

Hanso: We found…THIS! *holds up the artifact* Da-da-da-DA! Item get!

Xandra: Yes…I think the artifact Hanso stole—

Hanso: You mean _liberated. _

Xandra: …_liberated…_was part of a whole, and this is the other part. Since the first artifact turned the faeries to stone, this one might be able to reverse the spell. It's a long shot, but what else can we do?

Brynn: We can go back to the Haunted Woods, for starters. We should show King Altador and the others what we've found.

Hanso: Good idea! …this is going to be a long walk.

Brynn: We don't have to walk, silly. We just have to jump to the next panel.

(They're in the Haunted Woods again. Like magic!)

Brynn: *walking in front* Did you hear _that_?

Hanso: What did it sound like?

Brynn: _That_.

Xandra: I didn't hear anything. You must be imagin—

Shadow: *springs up behind them* GROAARRRR!

Xandra: How dare you interrupt me while I'm talking… Rude.

Hanso: Um, I don't think he particularly cares…they don't like us, remember?

Brynn: The feeling is mutual. *clutches her sword*

(Altador, Jazan, and everyone else steps in to save the day YAAAAAAAAY)

Altador: Back, fiends!

Old Ogrin Dude: NINJA KICK WIYA.

Xandra: Old Ogrin Dude! You kick _ass_?

Brynn: Old people are _actually _useful for something?

Hanso: Hanso is _totally _cool and amazing?

…*crickets chirp*

Hanso: It was worth a shot.

Brynn: Thank for the help, King Altador. It's good to see all of you again.

Jazan: Of course it's good to see me again. *hair toss*

Altador: What news do you bring from Brightvale?

Brynn: I found a book in the Royal Library that led us to another artifact. Xandra thinks she can use it to reverse the spell, but…

Altador: But…?

Xandra: But?

Jazan: But?

Hanso: Butt. :D

Xandra: *smacks him*

Brynn: …but it's worse than just Faerieland sinking. Your majesty, I think all of Neopia is in terrible danger…

Altador: Well DUUUUUUH.

**Chapter 11, end**


	12. Chapter 12

**THE FAERIES' RUIN…chapter 12**

_Setting__: Errybody's in the Haunted Woods, talking or something boring like that. Read previous chapter for Brynn's **TOTALLY EPIC** cliffhanger._

Altador: What is it, Brynn? Do you mean these infernal creatures? Or is something else afoot?

Author: Besides Faerieland freaking SINKING? JEEZ WOULD YOU GUYS SAVE IT ALREADY.

Brynn: *ignores me* Yes, the creatures, but also…I don't know how to explain it…Neopia seems to be decaying. Everything looks dead or dying.

Jazan: Except me. *hair toss*

Fangirls: *squeal and faint*

Brynn: Seriously, Jazan, do they just follow you around?

Jazan: Pretty much.

Brynn: And they don't see us fighting and think it fit to maybe, you know, help out?

Jazan: Nope.

Brynn: All right then. Moving on—

Jazan: Just because I'm distracted by my own good looks doesn't mean I don't have valuable input for this conversation. Perhaps the faeries' magic is much more involved with the well-being of Neopia than we thought?

Altador: That makes sense. I guess models _do_ have brains after all.

Jazan: *winning smile* Why yes, yes we—HEY WAIT A SECOND…!

Altador: Yeah so we need to reverse this curse, you guys. Xandra, are you ready?

Xandra: Yeah I guess. But I need to be somewhere more open, so I can, you know, see what I'm doing more clearly. *shifty eyes*

Old Ogrin Dude: I've always found seeing clearly overrated—

Xandra: That's because you're blind.

Old Ogrin Dude: AND I CAN STILL FIGHT BETTER THAN YOU.

Xandra: Aw, harsh. :(

Old Ogrin Dude: My old people wisdom senses say we should go to the meadows outside of the Woods.

Hanso: Why haven't I had a line of dialogue yet? I'm the main hero!

Xandra: Because no one cares about you.

Hanso: Brynn does! Right Brynn? 8(

Brynn: *walking off with Jazan and Altador*

Hanso: She—she'll be back… ;_;

Xandra: Haven't you ever wondered why she never asks your opinion about these things?

Hanso: Durp?

Xandra: I mean, I can't stand you, but even I'll admit that you have good ideas from time to time. Except catapulting yourself from Brightvale castle. That was stupid.

Hanso: Oh yeah? And what would YOU have done?

Xandra: I would have teleport—

Hanso: If you didn't have your magic, like me, you cheater.

Xandra: …

Hanso: YEAH THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT. *pops collar*

Xandra: Tch. Doesn't change the fact that Brynn doesn't respect you. She might like you for some reason, but at the end of the day you're always going to be a thief in her eyes.

Hanso: NO THAT'S NOT BRYNN SHE WOULD NEVER DO THAT EVER I'M HER LOVE INTEREST AND SHE…she…oh Fyora Brynn whyyyyyyyy. Q_Q

Xandra: Uh-huh…let's go to the meadows, crybaby.

Hanso: I'm not a crybaby! *blows his nose on Old Ogrin Dude's sleeve*

OOD: …man, I'm really glad I can't see what you just did.

(Scene changes to the gang walking into the meadows around the Haunted Woods)

Xandra: *has her face in a book as usual* 'Kay, this is a good spot.

Hanso: How can you tell? How can you _see_ anything?

Xandra: These glasses give me x-ray vision.

Everyone except Jazan: O_O

Jazan: ;)

Hanso: Yeah, so um, do this quickly, Xandra.

(More shadow creatures pop up)

Jazan: All right! Another chance to show off my mad fighting skills.

Altador: We don't have time for this! The ritual must be performed or Faerieland will be lost!

Jazan: Altador, there is _always_ time to kill things with shiny swords.

Brynn: You guys hold off the creatures. Hanso and I will protect Xandra while she reverses the spell.

Hanso: Yeah, we'll protect Xandra while she—wait what? We will?

Brynn: Yes, we will. *grabs his arm and drags him over*

Xandra: *smug expression*

Brynn: So?

Xandra: I need you two to hold up the artifact for me.

Brynn: But we're supposed to be protecting you.

Hanso: We are? ._.

Xandra: The others are doing a fine job of that. I need both of my hands free to do the spell.

Brynn: Fine. *takes it between herself and Hanso* Hold it higher, Hanso.

Hanso: Hey, this is heavier than it looks!

Brynn: Oh, waaah.

Hanso: When did you take a trip to Bitchville? Did you just get back?

Brynn: Ooh, if I weren't holding this thing I'd—

Xandra: ALL RIGHT! So whatever you do…

(Camera zooms out to show the three standing around the artifact, with the others fighting valiantly against the shadow creatures. Pretty cool, bro.)

Xandra: …don't move.

Hanso: I may require a relic paint brush for this task.

**Chapter 12, end**


	13. Chapter 13

**THE FAERIES' RUIN…chapter 13**

_Setting:__ Brynn and Hanso hold up the artifact while Xandra carries out the ritual. Altador, Jazan, and the others are fighting the shadow creatures popping up everywhere. Sooooo EXCITING!_

Xandra: Erm…glasses…falling down my nose. Someone push them back up? Hands are kinda busy. Anyone? Help?

Artifact: No time for that EEEEXPLOSIOOOOONNNNN!

(artifact erupts into a massive burst of light, knocking the three back with its force)

Hanso: Ow…*rubs his head*

(He stands and finds Brynn knocked unconscious by the blast, and Jazan, Altador, and the others all turned to stone.)

Fangirls: JAZAN NOOOOOOO—*collectively faint*

Shadow Creature #1: Buh? *pokes Altador's stone form*

Shadow Creature #2: Guys, check it out. Garden statues!

Hanso: Hmm…knocked out by a huge burst of light, awaken to find people turned to stone…_why_ does this scenario seem so familiar?

(Hanso looks over to find Xandra picking herself up, more shadow creatures surrounding her.)

Hanso: Hey. Xandra. Hey! Xandra! HEEEEEEEY XAAAAAANDRAAAAAAA!

Xandra: *turns and glares* WHAT?

Hanso: Watch out. :D

Xandra: *evil grin* No Hanso, _you_ watch out. *FWOOSH*

(More shadow creatures spawn)

Hanso: Wow, these special effects are _amazing_.

Xandra: Muhahahaha! Try and get out of this, thief!

Hanso: Oh, hey, you missed.

Xandra: Wait, what—oh, damn it, I lost my glasses. Hold on one second, would you?

Hanso: Sure thing. Take your time.

Xandra: Honestly, I ask for someone to push them back up and no one does it…*mumble grumble* …all these shadows around and none of them could *grumble mumble* or anything, useless little *growl grumble mumble*

Shadow creatures: *stand there waiting* So uh…can we attack him yet?

Xandra: Wait! He has to see this cool magic trick I can do, first!

Hanso: Ooh, a trick? I love magic tricks! :D

Xandra: Yeah, check this out—*BRINGS FAERIELAND CRASHING TO THE GROUND*

Hanso: …that wasn't cool at all! I want my money back. D:

Xandra: THERE ARE NO…*stands in her epically evil pose*…REFUNDS!

Hanso: NOOOO! Damn you, cliffhanger!

Crazy theorists on the plot boards: XANDRA WAS EVIL WE KNEW IT WE KNEW IT WE TOLD YOU SO WE KNEW IT!111!one

**Chapter 13, end (dun dun dunnnn...!)  
**


	14. Chapter 14

Whoa man…shit just got reeeaaal!

**THE FAERIES' RUIN…chapter 14**

_Setting__: Haunted Woods, with our heroes (and Xandra). _

Hanso (helping Brynn up): _You_ did all this?

Xandra: Um, duuuuh.

Brynn: But why? Why would you want to destroy Faerieland?

Xandra: Okay, I'm about to do a lot of talking and none of it is really that interesting, so you might as well just scroll through it.

Author: Pfft. Yeah. Seriously.

Xandra: Faerieland was a symbol, Brynn. That's all. Symbols have power, and getting rid of that symbol is something Neopia has needed for a long, long time.

Brynn: *turns on Hanso* What is she talking about?

Hanso: *throws hands up defensively* I don't know! Bitch is crazy!

Xandra: You see everything in black and white, good and evil, right and wrong! It's not that simple, Brynn. It's _never_ that simple.

Hanso: Yeah, there are way more colors than black and white! There's speckled, and striped, and purple, and pirate, and Halloween, and—

Xandra and Brynn: Shut up, Hanso.

Hanso: OkayI'llstopnow…*looks down*

Xandra: Ahem…now where was I?

Brynn: Monologuing.

Xandra: Oh. Right. We've been TOLD that the faeries are good and kind and care about Neopets, but do they really? What's the real truth, not just the truth that we've been _made_ to accept?

Brynn: What do you mean? The faeries have always protected Neopia! Everything was _fine_ until _you_ turned them to stone!

Xandra: Oh, I _knooow_ you did not just go there, girlfriend!

Brynn: Yeah, so what if I did? *snaps fingers*

Hanso: Cat-fight! 8D

Xandra: *points at a nearby Shadow Annihilator* You!

Annihilator: Derp?

Xandra: Bring them!

Annihilator: Herp derp. *grabs Brynn and Hanso*

(Scene changes to the group standing amidst the ruined architecture of Faerieland)

Hanso: Um, is it safe to be here? You know, what with all the flying debris and destruction and—

Xandra and Brynn: Shut up, Hanso.

Hanso: *shuts up* :-x

Xandra: Neopia will be ruled the right way this time!

Brynn: You're mad!

Hanso: More like batshit insane…*cough cough*

Brynn: A world full of soul-sucking monsters? Who would want that?

Shadow Annihilator: *sheepishly raises hand* c:

Xandra: They were never the real threat, Brynn. Those wraiths were an unanticipated side-effect of the spell that froze the faeries. Still, they have their uses. But no…what I intend is a new Neopia free from the tyranny of the faeries. A world for Neopets, ruled by a Neopet—me!

Hanso: Um…this _is_ kind a world for Neopets. This is www.**neopets**.com, after all.

Xandra and Brynn: Shut UP, Hanso.

Hanso: Okay okay fiiiiiiine. *pouts*

Brynn: What tyranny are you talking about? The faeries never did anything to harm us!

Xandra: Nor did they do anything to _help_ us! Do you know how much power the faeries have, Brynn? Do you have any idea?

Brynn: I never really thought about it, no.

Hanso: Yeah. We're not nerds, like you.

Xandra: I'll tell you what they do with their power. They make soup, they paint Neopets, but most of the time, they just sit pretty on their clouds, and they don't do **anything**.

Brynn: What about helping Meridell's entire population? Like Illusen?

Hanso: Or keeping Sophie out of harm's way, like Ilere?

Xandra: Buh—

Brynn: Or feeding countless poor and hungry pets, like the Soup Faerie?

Hanso: Or healing the wounded and injured, like the Healing Spring faerie?

Xandra: Well—

Brynn: Or saving Jeran when he fell off the Darigan Citadel, like Psellia?

Hanso: Or being totally cool, like Jhudora?

Xandra: That's not—

Brynn: Or training weaker pets to defend themselves, like the Battle Faerie?

Hanso: Or _protecting the f&%#ing cosmos from Sloth_, like the Space Faerie?

Xandra: OKAY THAT'S ENOUGH. You have a point…

Brynn: Does that mean you'll change the faeries back?

Xandra: Pfft, naaah. Don't you see, Brynn? They're brainwashed you! When I was young, the faeries noticed my magical abilities and let me come to study with them.

Brynn: Well gee, that sure was nice of them. Way to thank them by TURNING THEM TO STONE.

Xandra: You don't get it. I tried to convince them time and again to get more involved in the affairs of Neopians, but they would never listen to me. There was no reasoning with those winged tyrants, and so they had to be overthrown!

Hanso: …'winged tyrants'? You…you were Nox in disguise!

Xandra: Um, duuuh. I needed some sort of ruse to get this back. It was the best I could do on such short notice.

Hanso: Wait…so you're telling me that you paid for something you already owned? Ha. Fail.

Xandra: …#%$&!#%$, Hanso. It's hard to believe that all my careful planning was almost spoiled by one greedy, arrogant thief.

Hanso: Hey, I may be greedy, and arrogant, but I'm not—oh, no, wait, you had it right.

Xandra: *smirks*

Hanso: If that thing was such a precious, all-powerful artifact, why would you leave it lying around like that?

Xandra: Ha! This thing? All-powerful? I see why Brynn keeps you around.

Hanso: It's 'cause I'm so handsome. ;D

Brynn: *rolls eyes*

Xandra: This is a trinket. Granted, I needed it for my plan, but this and its sister artifact just amplify my magic; they aren't sources of power themselves.

Brynn: Still doesn't change the fact that you just left it lying around unprotected.

Hanso: For a handsome thief to steal. ;D

Xandra: Shush! No plot holes!

Hanso: You can't spell 'handsome' without H, A, N, S, and O! Booya!

Xandra: I'm seriously regretting letting you live.

Hanso: I'll be quiet. :c

Xandra: *holds up the two artifacts* You see, I may be the strongest magician the faeries ever took under their wings, but even I couldn't take them all on without a little help.

Hanso: Ha…"took under their wings," I see what you did there.

Xandra: *rolls her eyes* Anyway, now that I have both of them, there's no one in Neopia who cans stand in my way.

Hanso: Epic foreshadowing!

Xandra: Shut up, Hanso. You two now have a choice. I've let you live this long because I see potential in you. Otherwise, I would've done away with you like I did that boasting fool Nox.

Hanso: Wait, so…Nox is actually _dead_? O.O

Brynn: TNT actually put death in a plot?

Galem (from HATIC): Um, hey, yeah. I died too. :/

Bringer of Night (also from HATIC): *grunts angrily*

Coltzan: Yeah, you know, I'm not dead too, or anything.

Lord Kass: Word.

Hanso: Okay, okay, we get it.

Xandra: Hanso, you're sly, clever, and a fairly resourceful thief. I can use those qualities.

Hanso: Oh well I'm flattered—

Brynn: Hanso, you idiot, she's the _enemy_.

Hanso: But she gave me a compliment! D:

(Poor Hanso, you can tell he never gets them very often. Tsk tsk.)

Xandra: Brynn, you puzzled out the location of the second artifact all by yourself. I'm impressed by your tenacity. You may lack vision, but you're not the mindless grunt I took you for.

Brynn: Thank…you…?

Xandra: I'll need help rebuilding Neopia in the new image I've created for it, and that help will come from Neopets who share my vision of bettering themselves using their own strengths, not faerie blessings.

Author: Oh my Fyora is she _still_ talking?

Xandra: So…what do you say?

Brynn: I say you're insane!

Xandra: So you've mentioned…I can't say I'm surprised. And you, Hanso?

Brynn: Of course he won't!

Hanso: Stop it, Brynn! I can speak for myself.

Xandra: Think of it, Hanso. If you help me rebuild Neopia, you'll be recognized a hero. No one will care about your past. You'll be able to reach a status you could never have under the faeries' rule!

Hanso: Recognition? What's that? I wouldn't know since NO ONE APPRECIATES ME, BRYNN.

Brynn: Buh—buh…Hanso, no! You…you can't! You can be good…you _are_ good. I can't fight her alone! I—I need you. We have to stop her!

Hanso: You see how the others distrust me, even when all I've done is try to help. Even you…I know there have been times when you thought I was leading you astray.

Brynn: But I…

Hanso: If I help Xandra, maybe I can start over, make a good name for myself. Because in this world, I'll always just be a thief to you.

Brynn: Hanso, no! I lo—

Hanso: Locked me in a dungeon cell? Yeah, I haven't forgotten that. *shakes hands with Xandra* You've got yourself a deal.

Brynn: *jaw drops*

Xandra: Ha. Pwn.

**Chapter 14, end…**


	15. Chapter 15

Author's note (again): _Once again, I guess I have to remind those of you less observant readers that I am fully aware of when new chapters are released. I don't need you leaving me comments or sending me neomails screaming at me "CHAPTER _ IS OUT." It's December and I've got finals, so studying eats up most of my time and takes precedence over spoofing. _

_To all the rest of you, I appreciate all the great comments you leave. Thank you for reading. ;)_

**THE FAERIES' RUIN…chapter 15**

_Setting__: The ruins of Faerieland, where Hanso is shaking hands with Xandra after hearing her proposition._

Xandra: You won't regret this, Hanso.

Hanso: Ew, I can't believe I'm touching your hand, ew ew eww…I mean—I'm sure I won't. Though, I'm not really the type to have regrets.

Xandra: Why do you suddenly have that mischievous look on your fa—

Hanso: Hey betcha didn't see THIS coming! Wiya! *pushes Xandra back as he takes one of the artifacts from her grasp*

Xandra: A double-double-cross. How original. I totally should have seen that coming…*facepalm*

Hanso: Brynn! *throws her the artifact* Destroy it!

(A green aura surrounds the artifact as Xandra summons it back)

Brynn: Huh?

Artifact: Oops. Too slow. *whizzes back to Xandra* Weeeeeeee!

Brynn: Catch it, Hanso!

Hanso: Way ahead of you, sweet cheeks. ;) *hops up and takes firm hold of the artifact*

Brynn: I told you not to call me "sweet cheeks" like, a dozen times.

Hanso: JUST SHUT UP AN RUN OKAY?

Brynn: But why—*sees Xandra charging up her lasers*

Xandra: KAMEHAMEHAAAA

Brynn: Oh, that's why. *runs* O_O

Hanso: *turns back to Xandra* Hey Xandra! Nobody likes a homicidal maniac!

Xandra: *RAGE MODE*

Hanso: And you smell funny!

Xandra: ARGH! *goes Super Saiyan and blasts him*

Hanso: *absorbs the attack with the artifact* Now I see why you needed this artifact—your magic skills _stink_!

Xandra: HANSO YOU LITTLE—

Hanso: I've got more where that came from. I've got achievements to earn!

**Chapter 15, end (go Hanso!)**


	16. Chapter 16

**THE FAERIES' RUIN…chapter 16**

_Setting:__ The ruins of Faerieland. Hanso has stolen one of the artifacts and is using it to absorb Xandra's attacks._

Brynn: Hanso! What are you doing?

Hanso: Being awesome.

Brynn: _Besides_ that.

Hanso: Just keep running. I have a plan!

Brynn: What _kind_ of plan?

Hanso: The only kind of plan I ever come up with. Something that will recklessly put my life in danger and inevitably make me a hero.

Xandra: Give me the artifact, Hanso! You know what needs to be done.

Hanso: Shutting your pie hole, that's what needs to be done.

Brynn: Ooh, dissed.

Xandra: HOW DARE YOU—

Hanso: I've come to a stunning realization…you are COMPLETELY OUT OF YOUR MIND.

Brynn: A little too much time alone with your books and not enough time with real people?

Hanso: Of course not, Brynn. Xandra doesn't have any _friends_, har har har.

Xandra: I'll have you know I've got over 20 close friends in my guild on World of War—

Hanso, Brynn: NERD.

Xandra: Fine. Think what you will. You're just jealous I'm LEVEL 58. *summons Oblivion*

Hanso, Brynn: Ah, shit.

Xandra: OBLIVION!

Oblivion: Rawr.

Xandra: Oh come on, be a little scarier than that.

Oblivion: Raaawr.

Xandra: Okay, just…deal with the Kougra. *faceplam*

Brynn: You're no match for my sword and its AWESOME SOUND EFFECTS—*KLANG*

Xandra: *hands start to glow* Well, Hanso? Are you just going to let her _die_?

Hanso: Are _you_ going to keep blabbering?

Xandra: I'm serious! I'll do it! I'll kill your love interest!

Hanso: She can take care of herself. Looks like I'm not doing so bad either. Are you _sure_ you're an expert magician?

Oblivion: GROAARRR!

Brynn: EXPECTOOO…

Hanso: Maybe you should find your glasses before you try to hit anything with your fancy magic, Xandra.

Xandra: No way. My supporters agree that I look _way_ better without them.

Brynn: …PATRONUMMM!

Oblivion: GRUNT.

Brynn: What the he…who _says_ 'grunt'? Honestly?

Oblivion: SHUT UP I DO WHAT I WANT. :(

Xandra: Enough of this! You WILL die, Hanso, and Neopia will be better off under my rule!

Hanso: Not if I destroy your precious artifact!

Xandra: Wait, wha—?

Hanso: HANSO SMASH—*stabs the artifact's lens with his knife*

*EPICALLY BRIGHT FLASH OF LIGHT*

Brynn: *standing over Oblivion* By the power of Grayskull!

Oblivion: Oh noes. D=

Brynn: *stabs Oblivion in the chest as the dark clouds hanging over Faerieland begin to dissipate*

Oblivion: WHAT A WORLD, WHAT A WORLD…*dissolves into nothing*

Brynn: *looks up at the sky* Hanso, you did it! You did…Hanso? Where's your smartass remark? Hanso?

(Brynn looks over and sees both Hanso and Xandra turned to stone)

Brynn: Oh, crap. Now what do I do?

Narrator: Um…at least they're frozen in cool poses?

Brynn: Too soon, man. Too soon…

**Chapter 16, end…?**


	17. Chapter 17

_So sorry this chapter is late, guys! Busy, busy holidays._

**THE FAERIES' RUIN…chapter 17**

_Setting:__ The ruins of Faerieland, same as last chapter. Except this time, Brynn is angsting over Hanso's now stone form._

Brynn: Oh, Hanso…what have you done?

Hanso: *silence*

Brynn: Oh, well I guess it _was_ kinda stupid of me to ask a statue.

(Altador, Jazan, and those other dudes walk through the ruins)

Altador: Brynn? Where are you?

Jazan: There… *points to Brynn kneeling beside Hanso*

Altador: Oh noes. :(

Old Ogrin Dude: Oh noes! :(

Guard #1: *picks nose* :(

Jazan: Curse this eyeliner, it makes me look sexy even when I'm trying to look sad and sorry.

Fangirls: JAZAN IS BACK AKLJDFSKLAJH—*explode*

Altador: *puts a hand on Brynn's shoulder* What happened here?

Brynn: Are you referring to the freaking CRASHED Faerieland, the sun shining and lack of dark ominous clouds, the total lack of any more shadow creatures, or the stone statues I'm cutting my wrists beside?

Queen Fyora: How about all of them?

Everyone: OH SHIT QUEEN FYORA! IN A PLOT. TALKING TO _US_. OMG.

Altador: *ahem* Your Majesty, it's good to see you're well.

Fyora: I am now…for the most part. Who do I have to thank for that?

Brynn: *sniffs* Well, this _would_ be the part where Hanso would jump in, give you a cheesy grin, and say "None other than _me_, queenie!" in his endearingly egotistical manner, but now he's…he's… ;o;

Fyora: Stone, yes, I see. How did they become this way?

(Long, boring retelling of the entire previous chapters that TNT thankfully spares you from)

Brynn: …and then they both just…turned to stone. The end!

Guard #1: Boo! That was a _terrible_ bedtime story!

Fyora: *shakes head* Oh, Xandra, I feared this day would come…

Jazan: The day she lost her glasses?

Fyora: No—

Old Ogrin Dude: The day she got all butthurt over not being able to afford a Blue Paint Brush?

Fyora: No…

Jazan: The day she realized she didn't have any friends and thus destroyed Faerieland out of sheer anger over her empty Neofriends list?

Fyora: *rubs temples* Oi…no. I mean the day she would retaliate against us.

Everyone: Ooooh.

Altador: So you _do_ know her?

Jazan: _Did_ know her. Ha…that bitch is stoned.

Fyora: Thank you for your input, Jazan. -_-

Jazan: That's _King_ Jazan.

Fyora: Don't start that with me.

Altador: It appears Xandra was a very powerful sorceress.

Jazan: Once again, stating the obvious, King Altador.

Fyora: She was powerful indeed, but even the best of us can go astray at times…

Brynn: And even a thief can do the right thing at times. He sacrificed himself to stop Xandra by destroying the artifact. He reversed the spell, and now he's gone…

Guard #1: Gone? But…he's sitting right there in front of us…

Guard #2: …*smacks him with his helmet*

Fyora: Hmm…then I owe him a debt. I'm rather weakened at the moment, but perhaps I have enough strength to free him from this form.

Jazan: Of course you do. This plot's totally predictable ending wouldn't be possible without it.

TNT: Hey, Fyora freeing Hanso was TOTALLY NOT PREDICTABLE FROM THE BEGINNING OF CHAPTER 16, OKAY?

Jazan: Yeah, whatever. Get back to coding the prize shop!

Fyora: *places a glowing hand on Hanso*

Hanso: GYYAHAHHHHHHH…what'd I miss? :3

Brynn: =O!

Altador: I think we all underestimated your bravery, Hanso. Well done.

Old Ogrin Dude: Old people wisdom old people wisdom old people wisdom. :D

Jazan: Yes, well done, Ixi. Lacked a bit of finesse, but effective all the same.

Fyora: My faerie sisters and I thank you for your selflessness and heroism, Hanso. You showed a courage that few Neopets possess.

Hanso: Does this mean I get the girl and ride off into the sunset now? :D

Fyora: No, I have more talking to do.

Hanso: Aww. :c

Fyora: Xandra, too, possessed great strength, but she was mistaken in her belief that we faeries do nothing—it is our magic that holds those dark creatures at bay and keeps Neopia safe from harm.

Hanso: Great strength? She possessed great insanity, that's what she possessed.

Brynn: *punches him in the arm*

Fyora: Perhaps she wasn't entirely mistaken…but that's something we will have to confront later. For now, we must attend to more pressing matters. There are many wounded to heal, and much damage to repair.

Hanso: Yeah, like your entire freakin' land. It made a really nice crater, by the way.

Fyora: I'm sure it did…Hanso, please come see me once you have fully recovered. Farewell! *poofs*

Jazan: Doesn't waste any time, does she?

Altador: She has much work to do, as do we all…King Jazan.

Jazan: So Hanso, I must know. How did you get the upper hand?

Hanso: I had the book for quite a while, you know, while Brynn had me LOCKED UP IN A DUNGEON CELL.

Brynn: Are you _still_ mad about that?

Hanso: ANYWAY…I snuck a peek here and there. The book said the artifact could absorb a certain amount of power, but if it got too full, it'd become unstable.

Brynn: So you deliberately annoyed Xandra, hoping she would blast you with enough magic to overload the artifact and break the spell?

Hanso: No, I was just annoying her to annoy her. It's what I do best. *thumbs up* :D

Brynn: How did you know Fyora would be able to free you?

Hanso: I didn't. Lucky break, I guess. Told ya you wouldn't like my plan.

Brynn: I didn't.

Jazan: I did. You turned to stone meant no more of your incessant talking.

Hanso: I feel the love, Jazan, really. You know, it's ironic. Xandra was undone by the same artifact that started it all. *reaches down to grab it*

Brynn: Careful! It might be dangerous.

Hanso: But I have to get my knife! :(

Brynn: Hanso…

Hanso: Relax, sweetheart. It's just a piece of old junk now.

Brynn: Well…if you say so—

Hanso: ARRRRRGGGGGH!

Brynn: HANSO! O_O

Hanso: Lol, j/k.

Brynn: You jerk! You scared me half to death!

Hanso: Hey now, I just saved Neopia!

Gorix and Cylara: Yeah, so did we.

Space Faerie: From Sloth.

Tormund: And we saved it from the Darkest Faerie!

Roberta: Yeah, so get in line.

Hanso: This is MY plot! Get out!

Brynn: Hanso, shut up—*tackles and kisses him*

Jazan: Ahem, if you two are done…there's something I need from you, thief.

Hanso: Oh, did you want a kiss too? :D

Jazan: Ha…very funny. Nabile always likes it when I bring her a gift, and Fyora clearly meant for us to keep that jewelry you stole as a reward for our fearless deeds, so…

Altador: Ha. Fearless Deeds. I see what you did there.

Hanso: Ah…so it's time to trust the scoundrel, eh? Let's talk prices…

Brynn: What now, King Altador?

Altador: You should take Hanso to see Queen Fyora, when you two are ready. I must return to my kingdom. Hopefully the destruction did not reach that far.

Hanso: I doubt it did. Nobody cares about the land of Altador.

Altador: …it's true. *manly sob* ;_;

(The whole gang starts to walk away from the ruins)

Hanso: The worst part is, after all this, stealing anything smaller than Kreludor won't be much of an adventure…

Brynn: You try stealing the moon and I will kick you in the face.

Hanso: I love you too, sweet cheeks. ;D

_And the reason for the Old Ogrin Dude being in this plot still goes unexplained. What purpose did he serve? Why was he with Xandra in the library? …why was he in Faerieland at all? Meh…who cares. _

_Thank you for reading, everybody!_

**Chapter 17**


	18. Epilogue!

**THE FAERIES' RUIN…EPILOGUE**

_Setting:__ Hanso is narrating said epilogue to a little brat. Who else would you expect to narrate, eh?_

_Neopia slowly returned to normal in the next few months…_

…_or as normal as it could get with an entire city sitting in a crater._

Author: Oh, like an ENTIRE CITY floating in the sky was totally normal to begin with?

_Shut up, narrator! You're throwing off my groove!_

Author: Boo-hoo. v_v

_The faeries began to rebuild, hopeful that one day their magic would be strong enough to lift Faerieland back into the skies where it belongs._

Soup Faerie: Why am I even _in_ this panel? I have the magical power to make SOUP, not lift an entire city.

Illusen: Shut up and carry this rock. -_-

Light Faerie: Why, after our home was brought _crashing to the ground_, would we want to put it back up in the air, where it can possibly be brought CRASHING DOWN AGAIN?

Illusen, Soup Faerie: …SHUT UP AND HELP CARRY THIS ROCK.

_King Jazan returned to Qasala and his second favorite Ixi thief._

Nabile: What did he say? Second?

Jazan: Nothing, dear! Here, have more shiny material possessions.

Fangirls: JAZAN IS _STILL_ MARRIED? NOOOOOOOO!

_The Ogrin Master began teaching classes on how to defeat wraiths to his Imperial Guard students._

Student: Um, is this even practical? Will we even be fighting wraiths again _any_ time soon?

Old Ogrin Dude: When you have a beard/mustache combo as awesome as mine, then you can start making the decisions. NOW SHUT UP AND GO TOP CHOP THAT ROCK.

_And King Altador went on a quest to rescue the kidnapped Princess Zel—wait, wait, wrong story. I mean, he went on a quest to recover the statue of the Darkest Faerie, which was lost when Faerieland crashed._

Plot speculators: The Darkest Faerie statue? Lost? Quest? Plot plot plot plot PLOT PLOT PLOTPLOTPLOT?

TNT: We're not telling. :D

Little brat: Yeah, yeah. Get to the good part already!

Hanso: Look, brat—I mean Timmy. You wanted to know what happened to the heroes, so I'm telling you. Of course…I'm saving the best part for last. And by the best, I mean me and Brynn. But mostly me.

Author: Still as humble as ever I see, Hanso.

Hanso: SHUT UP NO ONE ASKED YOU. :(

_Because of her incredible bravery, Brynn was appointed the Captain of Queen Fyora's Guards._

Fyora: Hey King Hagan, I'm takin' your guard for my own, k?

Hagan: Awww, come on. D:

_And for my quick thinking and unparalleled cunning, I was given the title of Master Thief._

Kanrik: FML.

_The Queen herself set us the task of retrieving dangerous faerie artifacts from all over Neopia to keep them from falling into the wrong hands._

Brynn: Hanso!

Hanso: Excuse me, Brynneth, you are interrupting my super duper epically unquestionably amazing story. v_v

Brynn: Quit messing around. There are reports of a magical artifact in the Lost Desert. Queen Fyora says we should head out right away.

Plot speculators: Magical artifact? Lost Desert? Plot plot plot plot PLOT PLOT PLOTPLOTPLOT?

Hanso: Sweet! Time for more of my awesomeness.

Brynn: *rolls eyes…facepalms*

Hanso: Shut up, it's an endearing character trait.

Brynn: I didn't say anything. :3

Hanso: Uh-huh…

Timmy: Does this mean you're done with your story?

Hanso: For now. Don't be too disappointed. *ruffles his hair* I like you kid—

Timmy: I NEED AN ADULT.

Hanso: -_-

Brynn: Let's go, Hanso. You can turn him into a future thief later.

Hanso: Hot diggity dog! *hops up* You're giving me permission? 8D

Brynn: Just remember that I'll have to arrest you at some point for corrupting Neopia's youth.

Hanso: Maybe I _want_ to be arrested by you.

Brynn: There are easier ways of getting arrested, that don't involve encouraging children to become thieves.

Hanso: But thieving has worked out so well for me!

Brynn: Oh yeah? How do you figure?

Hanso: It got me involved in an epic plot to save the faeries, right?

Brynn: Don't forget the part where I locked you in a dungeon cell. c:

Hanso: Trust me, I haven't. -_-

Brynn: Tee hee. :D

Hanso: And another thing, if I'd never started picking pockets, I wouldn't have met you!

Brynn: …touché.

(They walk off into the sunset. The end~ :D)

Author: …whoa! A plot ending that _didn't_ suck for once?

Jazan: …what are you trying to say?

Garin: Yeeeeah, what are you trying to say?

Author: Oh, nothing, nothing…

Roxton: Are you saying our plot endings were mediocre?

Jazan: 'Our'? Roxton, come back when Atlas of the Ancients is actually _considered_ a plot.

Roxton: …I know. *sobs*

**Epilogue, end~**

_Well, everyone, that's it! A big THANK YOU to everyone that stuck with me from the very beginning; you're all great. And thanks for all the comments and feedback._

_You may be asking, "Itsy, will you spoof the next plot?"_

_The answer is yes. If I'm still around, anyway._

_Now go take a well-deserved rest and GET READY FOR ALTADOR CUP VI! :B_


End file.
